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A Love Message to All Muslim Ladies

Unsent Love Note

Legacy – Day 3
26th April 2016

I would like to love you if life was fair and easy. I hadn’t known who you were, who you’d become, but you were a shining star. If you weren’t in love with another, I would have loved you. 

I would have loved you when I first knew you,
I would have loved you when you wore your shirt
I would have loved you when you broke up.
I would have loved you when you wept for your darling.
I would have loved you when we sat under the stars,
with the warmth of fire,
where you talked about dreams,
your family, of who you want to be, 
of who you strive to become.

In the end, as tears ran down the day you said you were leaving, I chose not to. You, whom I respect, deserves every good thing that is coming your way. I apologize for the drama I caused, I apologized for all the things that caused you worry. 

I wish you luck for the upcoming years. You deserve what you have. Be the best out there and make your family proud.

You know who I am.

On Love

People like the idea of love.

Of loving, being in love, or being loved. It’s simply a human nature so strong that when it all fails, we are left nothing but a broken mess, shattered piece by piece on the floor.

I like the idea of love being this beautiful pain. People come and go looking for this sweet idea, sometimes willing to make the most difficult sacrifices, and sometimes it’s worth it. At times, though, things go downhill and people will remember about the experience as an important life lesson.

If you ask me, I love it. I love being in love, I love looking for love. I love sitting alone in a cafe and trading shy looks with strangers while thinking about a dozen scenario that can progress between them and me. It’s exciting, even if at the end of the day everything turns out to be just that; an imagination.

It’s such a delightful thing to ponder about, too, when you see a couple by themselves. The way they trade meaningful smirks, inside jokes, the slightest touch. The way they act with one another can be a game for you to ponder who is true and who is not, who will make it and who will not. Then sometimes there are also two souls who are not together, but you can see everything about them gravitates toward each other. These people make your knuckles go white. Why can’t they see that they are right for each other?

I suppose I’m a hopeless and hopeful romantic. I’m the kind that might disgust you the most, even. I’m the kind that appreciate chivalry, flowers, surprises, and wanting people to know that I belong to someone, that I am loved.

All in all, I simply have a positive view on love.

I’d be happy to hear what you think.

Here’s to love

Story Worth Telling

Despite knowing how things are going to end, some people still try working  out what they wish to work on in hope of making a difference and rewriting a new ending.

I’m no different than the rest of the world.

For example, I am a part of someone else’s story, just like how people are a part of my story. How things are going to end up between me and other people are something I can’t foresee if I don’t put my mind on it.

At this moment, I like to think that I am a part of that one chapter that is going to be either the future or the history of someone very dear to me, and I am trying to make peace with myself at how I see where things will end, when it comes down to that.

In the past week, it was something that keeps nagging me in my head. As I turn our stories into pages of papers, as I record every detail that I wish to remember for as long as I could, I decided that despite knowing where we’ll fall, I’ll have the greatest time heading into that cliff, and I willed myself to remember that there should be no regrets coming out of this narrative.

I don’t know how things are going to work out,
but I know it will be a story worth telling about

I promised myself that I’ll be happy with how things are going to turn out in the future.

I got into this understanding who’ll get hurt and who’ll get disappointed, but I also got into this knowing full well that I will regret it if I don’t test the water first. I spent ten months before this living in an oblivion, only to be woken up by a harsh truth that slapped things could have happened if only we made the right choice, and it was a painful realization that I don’t wish to experience again.

I’m content with how things are, and I’m okay if I’m going to get hurt because of it. Some things are just worth more than the pain, and I like to think that I am a part of a narrative that is worth the pain.

I only hope I’m not wrong.

Here’s to regret

When Love Comes Back

Last year, at the tender age of 15, I gave up on the notion of love.

When you live according to a certain rule book, it was extremely challenging to make the most of your life despite certain boundaries that keep you from straying too far. Love is one of the things that I let those boundaries control over, to the point where I let the whole destiny and notion go to the One who has power over it.

It was a cowardice move of mine, I suppose, to let such thing go. But the situation around me was too hopeless for me to do anything about, and so I let things happen the way it should, doing nothing but lean back as I see life unfolds the way it was destined to. Love stayed away from me for a while, and I enjoyed seeing them blossom left and right where I wasn’t concerned.

Until I was reminded of a love that could have happened.

It was a continuous event, one that I was confused with for quite a while. I mean, how do are you supposed to act when a long lost first love of yours show up after six years? Building up to the main event, I was speaking to this man, the first heartbreak and love of mine, who I could not, for one second, forget.

When he suddenly disappeared, I was more relieved than upset. It was a suffocating one week of my life, with me questioning every bit of what went wrong in our non-existent relationship, and I didn’t need that many stress prior to the week that was to come at the time.

When said week came, the next love hit me like a train wreck. It was a story of what could have been, a journey that didn’t happen, and two feelings that grew but kept away for the better of everyone’s sake. When the love revealed itself, I was a sobbing mess, aching for all the things that I could have had but slipped away from my fingers. Every bit of the situation was so heart-wrenching that I still get nausea thinking about it to this day.

At the time, I asked myself, who deserve this? 

Who deserve being presented with love right under their nose when said love got taken away so quickly from them right after? Who deserve the kind of regret that people feel when they wish they could turn back time, return, and redo everything for the better?

The love that presented itself right under my nose made me stop in my track. Before the whole thing happened, I gave up on being in love. Now that small truths are revealed, would I change my course and take control of my own fate? Is that really the wise thing to do? Question after question came, would I wait for said love? Would I still let the One choose my path for me?

Even before this whole thing, I already knew what I wanted.

I want to wait, I want to see where this love can go, at least until I understand what is being put at stake.

—at least until I understand what is being put at stake.

Us in Colors

was boring day at school.

was clumsy bumps in the hallway.

was trading pranks and knowing you.

was nothing but comfort.

was to my blushing cheeks.

was end-game promise shared.

was when we spoke of future.

was ugly bad sign of an end.

was when tears of misery was spilled.

was when we said goodbye.

was to a new beginning.

In response to: Colorful

List Toward the Perfect One

While I was lying around in bed with my phone in my face (typical Sunday), I saw this trending on YouTube about a girl finding her perfect match by making a list out of what she’s looking for in a guy, and so I went ahead and checked this video presented by Glamour Magazine since it has been there in my trending for weeks.

At first I was doubtful about it, but I was a bit inspired in the middle of my boredom to write my own list. However, before I started, I looked for some inspirations about how I should write my list, and I stumbled upon this story in Oprah’s site about a woman called Alice Gorman finding ‘the one’  that missed only two out of a hundred qualities that she listed in a paper.

Even more inspired by this, I immediately set my mind upon writing a hundred qualities of the man I’m looking for in the hope for someone actually making it into the list.


  1. Religious Beliefs: A practicing Muslim and loves his beliefs.
  2. In four words: Leader, responsible, honest, spontaneous.
  3. Relationship type: Believe monogamy 100%
  4. Sunday nights are for: Netflix and chill.
  5. Foreign or domestic: Foreign is preferable, but domestic is fine.
  6. Ideal age: No older than 25.
  7. Perfect date: Spontaneous road trip in the middle of nowhere.
  8. Body type: Healthy.
  9. Expert or Generalist: Expert in what he does.
  10. Beach house or country house: I actually had to google this and decided I prefer comfortable, cozy, country house. Beaches only make me feel restricted because I can’t go out and pose in a bikini.
  11. Mommy issues: No, absolutely not. He must love his mom.
  12. Dietary restriction: Doesn’t eat anything that’s forbidden in Islam, but he can be vegetarian. Vegan, not so much.
  13. Wants kids? Yes, but not until I’m ready to bear children. He must be considerate.
  14. Does he cook? He has to try.
  15. Drinking habits? No alcohol, soda is tolerable, coffee is a yes.
  16. Cats or Dogs? Cats, though only because religious reasons. If he wants to appreciate pugs or huskies or golden retrievers, that is completely acceptable.
  17. Inked? No.
  18. Sarcastic? The funnier the better, as long as it’s humorous and positive
  19. Who’s prettier? Him, hahaha.
  20. He shouldn’t be: An anti-social and a smoker.
  21. Confidence from 1-10? 11
  22. Chivalry is…? A must!
  23. Man? Woman? Either? Man.
  24. Likes your job? Yes, he must support my job and dream to the fullest
  25. Has he ever cheated? As long as he’s a changed man, it’s tolerable.
  26. His turns on: Intelligence and confidence
  27. Takes charge or takes orders? He MUST take charge, and he has to earn my heart to make me want to be charged by him.
  28. Furry or smooth? Facial hair, yes. Chest hair, no. Legs or arms, why not.
  29. Times for work? As long as he’s free on weekends and makes time for me.
  30. No shorter than: Me
  31. Selfies: Not so much on his own, but taking lots are nice if with family or friends.
  32. Hair style: Either short or long, messy mid-length hair is a meh.
  33. Multi-lingual: Yes, especially English. Arabic is fine, too.
  34. Views: Open-minded and willing to try new things.
  35. Credits? Good, he must be willing to study and well educated. It shows that he is serious and understands about wanting to make a good life for his own by working hard to achieve good things
  36. Night owl or early bird? Doesn’t matter as long as he gets up for Fajr and sleeps after Isha.
  37. What’s his style? Clean, acceptable for social events, and wear clothes that is actually his size. One thing he can’t wear is something that shows of his thigh or knees when going out.
  38. Hobbies? Anything is fine, but writing, reading, or outdoor activity is much more preferable (running, hiking, et cetera)
  39. First weekend away? Outbond, definitely.
  40. Degree? Let’s work together towards PhD before 30.
  41. Clean or Messy? Clean and organized.
  42. Politics? Gets the hang of it
  43. He should…? Understand Harry Potter, always communicate, and be early or on-time
  44. Sport? He sweats regularly and is willing to go for a run on holidays or weekends
  45. Art? Can appreciate creativity and musical theater
  46. Job? Anything that he loves doing instead of being forced into doing
  47. Family matters? Totally, I’m looking for a guy who has a big farm fuzzy family that can go on trips together
  48. No-no #1? Not religious
  49. No-no #2? Me having to take charge over him
  50. No-no #3? A pessimist who doesn’t have a dream. Dreaming big is attractive, and him working to make his dream come true is even more attractive.

And there you go! 50 things I look for in a guy, comment if you know anyone–no, just kidding.

Special thanks to Glamour Magazine for the questions that I nicked from ‘The Perfect One’ video. Looking forward for more episodes!

Criteria: Leader

If someone ask me why I’m a Muslim in the first place, my answer would be pretty simple.

It’s just that I simply don’t know how it feels like to not be a Muslim.

My life is pretty simple, you see. If God says no alcohol, then I don’t taste alcohol. If He warns me against adultery, then I’ll avoid it at all cost. If He tells me to cover my skin, then that’s exactly what I’ll do. My dos and don’ts list are pretty simple that way, and so I don’t really understand why it’s hard for some people to see.

But then I suppose it’s the other way round, in which people don’t know how to not be the way they are as well.

You see, there are times when I just want to cry my eyes out and curl while listening to Cold Play’s The Scientist.  Nobody said it was easy, is pretty much how I can define being a Muslim. Now before any of you jump into conclusion and think I feel oppressed, then please just cut the crap. I don’t feel oppressed. You know what make things hard? It’s the judgmental and small minded environment. If I go to a good Islamic school, I probably won’t feel this way at all. But alas, I am where I am, and it’s always so heart-breaking to see young Muslim not care one bit about God.

Maybe if they were given the choice, they’d choose not to embrace Islam at all.

This is the part where it all comes down to a conclusion, and that is I desperately need someone who can convince me to just ignore them and be proud of who I am with my religion. I am the person that I am today because of my religion, and maybe it doesn’t make me the coolest person at school, but at least it makes me me.

Don’t take me wrong, I am a proud Muslim. But I’m sure you all know it’s not the easiest thing in life to obey a being that you can’t see. I guess I’m waiting for my prince charming to make me see and embrace the beauty of Islam. If there’s one thing I’m really looking for from a husband (besides his faith and religious activity), it is most definitely a leader figure. A leader that I follow not because I have to, but because I want to. A leader that can guide me straight to His grace. A leader who can see that I am struggling and makes it his personal mission to make me believe I am making the right choices.

And I can imagine him, sitting right across the room, singing as best as he can,

if you let me
I can help you out
with all of that

let me love you
I know your trouble
don’t be afraid
oh, I can help

And everything will be okay again after that.

So hey, said leader. Your damsel in distress awaits. Do get here quick, it’s a pretty rough life out here.

He Who Comes First

I can’t love you
no, good sir
not when your path
strays from God

He matters 
far more than you
i have strayed
away too far

it’s not that 
I’m not in love
it’s just that
you’re too far gone

in that 
paradise of yours
there is no God
to be found

in the end
I am His first
the heart beats
to His desire

so with this
I let you go
to sort out
what matters more

may we find
the other one
in His holiness
good grace.

Picking the One

I spent 2015 thinking I could forget about love and chemistry and just find someone, anyone, to be my future husband. He could be five years older or two years younger, as long as he was ready for marriage, I didn’t care.

It was easier to think about marriage without doubts when you don’t care about the whole equation and just focus on the results.

Then we hit 2016, and uncertainty started crawling their ways through my current stone-cold heart.

Aside from religious, what if he’s not witty enough? What if he can’t understand how I think and see the world? What if he can’t follow my jokes and laugh at scandalous idioms? What if he’s shy and won’t be willing to make memorable vlogs of our marriage together? Oh–What if he can’t speak English?

The thoughts are never-ending, twisted things. It’s like sinking deeper and deeper into a never-ending ocean without finding ways of coming up for air.

It’s January 2016 and I’m horrified at the idea of finding the wrong one. Funny thing about love is you know exactly what you don’t want but have no single clue of what you want. It’s a cycle of let’s try and see if we click, and sometimes two are just not meant to click.

And gone is now the thoughts of anybody as thoughts of somebody specific reappears. Thoughts of man I crossed out from the calculation for being too distant and non existent–

–Oh, and there’s also thought of one other man too, smart enough to joke and have fun with, who is currently laying in hospital for being sick. If only that man is capable of English–

–and willing.

Look how pathetic I’m being.

I suppose even I can’t just say  yes to anybody breathing Islam. I just wish people who do aren’t so primitive and stuck in a different era completely.

Here’s to looking and finding.

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