Tag: Goodbye

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In Which Bandung Is a Storm I Was Not Prepared For

I was very fond of goodbyes, growing up.

In a time where you always feel like you don’t belong, it’s difficult to stay in a happy place and feel at peace with where you are. This is perhaps why I barely shed a tear when prom or graduation comes knocking on my door. While others may stall for just a little bit longer, begging and yearning for forever,  I was always ready to open a new door with two arms to jump in head first into another self-searching journey.

Check-in, search, 404 not found, check-out, repeat.

17 years, and I can barely count with one hand how many times I felt like I belong at peace with where I am and my environment – until I invited Bandung into my life – and came it did,  bursting through my door in a huge, huge storm two months before I was to leave to Japan.

This is temporary, I tell myself as I shake hands and learn new names.

Come September I’ll be gone, I tell myself while I trade dirty whispers with 12 lovely ladies all night long.

You’re being selfish, I tell myself in the mids of texting back a guy I hardly plan to spend forever with.

The storm that is Bandung is a solid ground that I never thought I’ll ever need for my personal peace and I find myself wanting to run far, far away from the goodbye that was so, so near. Fate is a cruel mistress like that, I think. She made me stay years in time where I wish I can be moved and then takes me away the second after I have a thought, I belong here. 

Leaving everything and everyone else was never more painful than ripping a band-aid. Leaving the storm, however, I think I left 12 different pieces of my heart and a chunk of guilt somewhere in there.

(and lovely memories, but that is only for the cold wind of Bandung to remember.)

I was very fond of goodbyes, growing up, so I learned one, two, three new names and truly believed that there will be no damage left. Ripping off band-aid, I remind myself. Quick and easy, stinging pain that will heal come tomorrow.

Band-aid is not enough this time around, I think, because the open wound is more painful than I remember.

Does the mistress truly believe I deserve this?

(My fingers pause, ponders, counts on the tears I spilled, heart I broke.)

(My fingers continues.)

Yeah, she probably does.

It’s okay, I think. I do too.

 

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October’s Here, Don’t Cry, My Dear

it’s October

is it over?

time to let go

It pains me to do so

your time is up

it’s like a break up

times forty-four, it is

Zeus, I miss it

let them be

so they can be free?

they will do

well, they have to

your time is done

your battle’s won

so don’t stay in two-oh-fifteen

or get stuck in the time between

I have to go?

October’s here

I have to leave?

your time is up

It’s hard to leave

don’t cry, my dear

I’ll turn back now

go, with your vow

October’s here?

October’s here.

Neither Tried

Came he did

Gone he went

Just a stop

Not a word

Who am I

To put blame

Neither tried

Neither tried

 

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