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October’s Here, Don’t Cry, My Dear

it’s October

is it over?

time to let go

It pains me to do so

your time is up

it’s like a break up

times forty-four, it is

Zeus, I miss it

let them be

so they can be free?

they will do

well, they have to

your time is done

your battle’s won

so don’t stay in two-oh-fifteen

or get stuck in the time between

I have to go?

October’s here

I have to leave?

your time is up

It’s hard to leave

don’t cry, my dear

I’ll turn back now

go, with your vow

October’s here?

October’s here.

beautiful pain

On Love

People like the idea of love.

Of loving, being in love, or being loved. It’s simply a human nature so strong that when it all fails, we are left nothing but a broken mess, shattered piece by piece on the floor.

I like the idea of love being this beautiful pain. People come and go looking for this sweet idea, sometimes willing to make the most difficult sacrifices, and sometimes it’s worth it. At times, though, things go downhill and people will remember about the experience as an important life lesson.

If you ask me, I love it. I love being in love, I love looking for love. I love sitting alone in a cafe and trading shy looks with strangers while thinking about a dozen scenario that can progress between them and me. It’s exciting, even if at the end of the day everything turns out to be just that; an imagination.

It’s such a delightful thing to ponder about, too, when you see a couple by themselves. The way they trade meaningful smirks, inside jokes, the slightest touch. The way they act with one another can be a game for you to ponder who is true and who is not, who will make it and who will not. Then sometimes there are also two souls who are not together, but you can see everything about them gravitates toward each other. These people make your knuckles go white. Why can’t they see that they are right for each other?

I suppose I’m a hopeless and hopeful romantic. I’m the kind that might disgust you the most, even. I’m the kind that appreciate chivalry, flowers, surprises, and wanting people to know that I belong to someone, that I am loved.

All in all, I simply have a positive view on love.

I’d be happy to hear what you think.

Here’s to love

sa

Story Worth Telling

Despite knowing how things are going to end, some people still try working  out what they wish to work on in hope of making a difference and rewriting a new ending.

I’m no different than the rest of the world.

For example, I am a part of someone else’s story, just like how people are a part of my story. How things are going to end up between me and other people are something I can’t foresee if I don’t put my mind on it.

At this moment, I like to think that I am a part of that one chapter that is going to be either the future or the history of someone very dear to me, and I am trying to make peace with myself at how I see where things will end, when it comes down to that.

In the past week, it was something that keeps nagging me in my head. As I turn our stories into pages of papers, as I record every detail that I wish to remember for as long as I could, I decided that despite knowing where we’ll fall, I’ll have the greatest time heading into that cliff, and I willed myself to remember that there should be no regrets coming out of this narrative.

I don’t know how things are going to work out,
but I know it will be a story worth telling about

I promised myself that I’ll be happy with how things are going to turn out in the future.

I got into this understanding who’ll get hurt and who’ll get disappointed, but I also got into this knowing full well that I will regret it if I don’t test the water first. I spent ten months before this living in an oblivion, only to be woken up by a harsh truth that slapped things could have happened if only we made the right choice, and it was a painful realization that I don’t wish to experience again.

I’m content with how things are, and I’m okay if I’m going to get hurt because of it. Some things are just worth more than the pain, and I like to think that I am a part of a narrative that is worth the pain.

I only hope I’m not wrong.

Here’s to regret

Love

When Love Comes Back

Last year, at the tender age of 15, I gave up on the notion of love.

When you live according to a certain rule book, it was extremely challenging to make the most of your life despite certain boundaries that keep you from straying too far. Love is one of the things that I let those boundaries control over, to the point where I let the whole destiny and notion go to the One who has power over it.

It was a cowardice move of mine, I suppose, to let such thing go. But the situation around me was too hopeless for me to do anything about, and so I let things happen the way it should, doing nothing but lean back as I see life unfolds the way it was destined to. Love stayed away from me for a while, and I enjoyed seeing them blossom left and right where I wasn’t concerned.

Until I was reminded of a love that could have happened.

It was a continuous event, one that I was confused with for quite a while. I mean, how do are you supposed to act when a long lost first love of yours show up after six years? Building up to the main event, I was speaking to this man, the first heartbreak and love of mine, who I could not, for one second, forget.

When he suddenly disappeared, I was more relieved than upset. It was a suffocating one week of my life, with me questioning every bit of what went wrong in our non-existent relationship, and I didn’t need that many stress prior to the week that was to come at the time.

When said week came, the next love hit me like a train wreck. It was a story of what could have been, a journey that didn’t happen, and two feelings that grew but kept away for the better of everyone’s sake. When the love revealed itself, I was a sobbing mess, aching for all the things that I could have had but slipped away from my fingers. Every bit of the situation was so heart-wrenching that I still get nausea thinking about it to this day.

At the time, I asked myself, who deserve this? 

Who deserve being presented with love right under their nose when said love got taken away so quickly from them right after? Who deserve the kind of regret that people feel when they wish they could turn back time, return, and redo everything for the better?

The love that presented itself right under my nose made me stop in my track. Before the whole thing happened, I gave up on being in love. Now that small truths are revealed, would I change my course and take control of my own fate? Is that really the wise thing to do? Question after question came, would I wait for said love? Would I still let the One choose my path for me?

Even before this whole thing, I already knew what I wanted.

I want to wait, I want to see where this love can go, at least until I understand what is being put at stake.

—at least until I understand what is being put at stake.

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Make Way for Chimaera

45. SNAP A PHOTO, KEEP THE SHOT
44. KEEP THE MEMORIES ALIVE
43. SHE WHO STAYS UP ALL NIGHT LONG,

42. LAUGHS WITH JAZZ, THE SOURCE OF LIGHT.
41. KEEPS HIS HEART JOYFULLY LIGHT,
40. LADY OF THE MONTH OF MARCH.

39. MEMORY OF THE DAYS BEFORE,
38. HE WHO USED TO AIM SO HIGH.
37. GOOD AT HEART, WITH MINDS ALIKE,
36. KEEPING LEGACIES ALIVE.

35. CARRIES MOST WEIGHT OF THEM ALL,
34. FOUND LOVE IN A HOPELESS PLACE.
33. PROUDEST OF HIS SKY BLUE SHADE,

32. BUNDLE OF JOY OF THEM ALL.
31. STANDING TALL, STILL, IN HER THRONE,
30. LEPRECHAUN OF BLING AND GOLD.
29. BLACK AND WHITE TO OCEAN BLUE,

28. BREAKS THE THICKEST BLOCK OF ICE.
27. ALWAYS HEARD LOUD FROM AFAR,
26. UNDERSTANDS HIS WORTH AT LAST.
25. IRIS IN A HUMAN FORM,

24. ATHEN SENT HER TO OUR GRACE.
23. ATHEN TOOK HIM FAR AWAY,
22. THREE TO TWO, YOU SHALL BE SOON.

21. WARRIOR IN A GODDES FORM,
20. SHED TEARS, DARLINGS, YOU DID WELL.
19. TIME HAS COME REST YOUR CROWNS

18. ALL THAT IS LEFT FOR YOU THREE,
17. IS TO HEAL OUR BROKEN HEARTS.
16. SOON WE WILL BE TORN APART, ALL FROM ONE TO FORTY-FIVE.

15. LAST WOLF JOINED THE PACK SIXTH
14. LADY WOLF IN CLOTHED GRACE
13. SHE WOLF HOWL THE GREATEST, STILL
12. SILENT WOLF STANDS AS THE THIRD
11. FIERCE WOLF BARKS LOUD FROM AFAR
10. ALPHA LEADS THEM THROUGH IT ALL

9. SUN CLOSES IN THE HORIZON
8. MOON HIDES BEHIND CLOUD-THICK FOG

7. TURN THE SCREEN OFF, PUT YOUR PEN DOWN
6. CLOSE THE PAGE YOU GREW FOND OF
5. THANK YOU, PARTNERS, JOB’S WELL DONE
4. LET ME WRITE A HEARTFELT NOTE

3. ZEUS BRED US TO THE CORE
2. POSEIDON BIDS HIS FAREWELL

1. IN THE FAR MORE DAYS TO COME,
MAKE WAY FOR CHIMAERA

A Conversation of Soggy, Wet, Tea Leaves

Two days since the history-changing election, and I still try my best to not throw brainless remarks at her Highness, long may she reign.

I still feel restless about it, to the point I’m worried, even. There are many things to consider, many to actually take note about. For instance, I worry for the way many hungry predators are preparing to hook and sink their influences on her. She’s by no means weak or indecisive, and I trust her to look at things through clear vision, but that can only last so long before influences come left and right and she turns into another hypocrite. Which is why, again, I hope she chooses well.

Other than that, she shows promise to kick ass. So well, that I told a friend about my insecurities about the whole event.

“Yeah, I voted for her,” he nodded.

I rose both eyebrows and bit back a spicy retort.

“Who did you vote for?” he asked, as though he expected me to not choose otherwise.

“Not her,” I flippantly said. “I didn’t care as long as it’s not a girl.”

“I felt like it was time for a change.”

The man I could have loved proved to be the better person between the two of us.

“I’m not ready for that,” I told him, and I find myself admitting what I wasn’t brave enough to say before. “I hate that things are changing and we have zero part in making that change. It seems like all we ever become is a downfall.”

“We were just not meant for it, and if that’s how the destiny is, then so be it,” he smiled, and it was silly of me to think he might refer those words to something else. He continued, “See, there will never be a cup of tea without the tea leaves. Sure, people only enjoy the tea, but a cup of tea don’t come out of nowhere.”

“You have much bigger heart than I do,” I told him, and he replied jokingly that I am quite small in literal sense.

Despite the ugly comparison of soggy, wet, tea leaves, I saw his point, and I told him what the older kids told me about our role in this shift. He listened intently, and he was a good enough person to not immediately judge.

“Why, did you want us to be remembered?” he asked, more curiosity than calling out on my shallowness for wanting recognition.

I shook my head, “That doesn’t matter,” I forcefully said. Then, in a softer voice, I told him, “I only wish we did something.”

Our eyes met, and he said in understanding, “I feel the same thing.” His lips twitched into a gentle half-smile.

I went straight home dangerously close to falling deep, purposely not bidding him goodbye. And now the conversation and the gentle smile plays like a cassette tape, over and over, over and over.

Lucky Lady

Lucky Lady Number One

My first reaction was rage.

It was one of those moments when you knew what was going to happen but refuse to admit it with every fiber of your being because you can’t accept it for whatever reason. They were counting, adding tally after tally, everyone was watching with anticipation, some happy, some irritated, some relieved.

I was fuming.

My next reaction was to cool down and think.

He must have had some kind of plan for what’s coming next, I thought. Everyone had seen the wave of change coming a mile away, some even closer. Everyone knew something was coming, and when my phone buzzed with notification informing who the chosen one was, I thought, this is it. This is the change we’ve all been bracing ourselves for.

I wanted the change, wanted to see it happen since day one, but this isn’t what I expected. I wanted the mindless agendas to stop, I wanted the hypocrisy to disappear into thin air, and I wanted everyone to be open-minded, kind, and humane.

The change that is happening right now is supporting the healthy environment that I wanted at the beginning, but then a lot of us were made to feel the harsh truth. I was made to see how glorious life can be from the other side, and I loved it. I loved the power, the adrenaline, the constant thinking, the strength.

It made me think maybe this life isn’t so bad after all, as mindless as it is.

Maybe the reason why I’m upset is because I can’t bear to adapt with another change. It’s long coming, I know that, and it feels like today was the final straw the universe needed for everything to be set in motion to a complete new direction. With this change, everything will start from a fresh, raw, ground where no one has stepped into before, and things are only going to get trickier from here on out.

And so we’re back to square one with the lucky lady number one.

I only hope this is the right direction, and I only hope the lady who willed to fight understands not to stand against the wave. We need this change, we need this to happen, and we need this to be done the proper way. She can be the change that stands for the royals, or she can be the change that stands with the people.

Choice’s up to the lady.

I only hope she chooses right.

Be smart, and congratulation.

Here’s to you.

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Madura, Indonesia

 

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I can’t give a specific location on this one, I simply found a herd of sheep on the side of the road and decided snap some shot. Go cross Suramadu bridge from Surabaya to Madura, head straight, take a careful look, and you’ll find the field on your right. Happy searching!

Leave Them Be

Leave Them Be

People tend to forget that when you wish to cover up for religious purpose, you don’t do it half way. Some women who still struggle, bless them all, sometimes cover up only the hair and not the chest, only the feet and not the ankle, and I have highest respect to all those who still try no matter how difficult it is even in the most supporting environment, let alone a nonsupporting one.

So what is the problem?

The problem is, I am on my way trying to work on covering up every bit of skin that hide so many sin, and while it was never a struggle before when I believe I’m doing it for His sake, even my patience is wearing thin that I was close to snapping at my friends, and this coming from someone who dislike confrontation.

“Ew, why is your socks so long?” or “Ew, freak.”

Those hurt, and I laughed it off nonchalantly while reminding myself they don’t understand, and I can’t hate them for what they have no full comprehension of.

But the feelings crawl and itch right under my skin, to the ugliest side of my heart, and words that I wish I get to truthfully throw left and right feel like acid to my tongue.

In all honesty, I know they make me look like a freak, I know that, but does it ever occur to you that I still slap them on each morning because it’s for He who matters more?

Look how whiny I sound. This is pathetic of me too, to make such a big fuss out of it.

A playful banter is something I can take, knife-sharp words are something I grew to adjust with for the past two years, but I don’t wish this judgment upon anybody else who are still struggling with their Hijrah, and so I beg of you, don’t speak if you don’t have anything nice to say.

Leave people be with what they do, like how they leave you with what you do. Judge behind closed doors, reprimand only if it is something that truly counts as bad. Keep distance if you can’t hurt your image by being with them, and stay if you can’t give an ounce to care. It’s only simple, humane, and it doesn’t cost a thing.

Here’s to the struggle of Hijrah.

Loveless

Loveless for the Better

Tomorrow, a senior older by two years my age will get her heart broken, for a person very dear to her heart is finally taking a wife.

As a supporter of the proper Islamic marriage, I’ve come to understand to not bat an eyelash at a wedding where neither the husband or wife know each other’s birthday or favorite color. Most of these marriages occur when practicing Muslims need companionship and choose to take wives or husbands without approaching adultery, or dating, as some of you might call it.

A person I know will become a husband tomorrow, and I will be the first person to call crap when he claims to be happy with the arrangement.

But I can’t hate him for his decisions. Never, especially when I am planning on doing the same in near future. Difference is, I’m going to get married without having to cut ties with an old lover.

This is what they mean when they say it’ll happen if it’s meant to be.

It doesn’t sit well with me, knowing he’s going to go through with this marriage with his heart trying to heal from a heartbreak understanding that he’s not marrying the one he loves. It could have happened, you know? He could have had the happy ending that he wanted. All he needed was just to wait.

He couldn’t, though, and I don’t blame him.

At the young age of 19, the world’s temptation was too much, and he chose the halal way out. The girl wasn’t ready, she was working on her dream, and he decided a marriage would only be a distraction.

Again, I don’t blame him. The timing didn’t fit, and whatever force in the universe was against them.

I only hope he can come to love his wife-to-be the same way he loved the girl. I hope he’ll find peace and be happy with the outcome no matter how difficult it is. I hope it all turns out to be a bundle of joy that God has planned for them all.

In the end I applaud him for putting Him first and love second. It was for God, and it was for good.

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