Leaving

Now that I have decided to come back, I feel like I owe some sort of an explanation as to why I left in the first place. The short version is, I felt like I didn’t need this blog anymore.

The main reason I started writing back then was because I needed a confidant, someone I could pour my heart out to, who would take it all in with no judgment. When I was in middle & high school, I didn’t think I had that, thinking the world wouldn’t understand the kind of pain and emotional crisis that I was going through.

Looking back, I’m sure there were people I could have reached out to, people who I’m closer with than ever today. But, I was searching for myself, still, and I wasn’t able to break through my shell to reach out. I walked around in school like the world was beneath me, and the only serious conversation I’d have is with teachers or one or two people who I deemed were ‘at my level’.

Very arrogant. I understand. I’m all for cancelling her.

So I made this platform my safe haven. A place for me to de-stress, and because there was hardly anybody who I could practice my English with, this blog served that function for me, too.

So what changed?

I left for Japan in 2017, and I found my platonic soulmates. People I can comfortably call my best friends without hiding a feeling of uncertainty in the pit of my stomach for fear that they don’t feel the same way. I found new confidants who accepted me for all of me, who I started from scratch with, who I can honestly, truly be myself with, with all of my white and black and all the colors in between. One day, I woke up feeling happier, more at peace with the world, and at home with my body.

Because I’ve been associating this blog with all of my negative thoughts, with my angsty past self, I didn’t want this to be a part of my happy place in Japan. So I left it, and I definitely thought it’d be for good, that if I’d ever start a blog again, I’d do it from scratch and let the words written here be silent witnesses to my past, angry self.

You might think now – so what, you came back because you’re unhappy again, is that why?

Well, hopefully not. That would be sad, wouldn’t it, for me to ameliorate in three years only to revert to that girl?

No, I don’t think so. I think I have completely detached myself from her, and that’s why I don’t mind coming back, because I am confident that my being here has nothing to do with needing a confidant or feeling like I can’t make sense of what is going on this world.

I just simply wanted to re-document my life because I felt the universe shift (hint, hint), and I think there will be so many exciting things to look forward to in the future. It’d be such a waste not to write again, if only so that I can look back on this when I’m 40, or for my children and grandchildren to look back on this to remember me by when I’m gone.

I hope you’ll have me back. Or, if you’re someone who just recently discovered this platform, hi, nice to meet you. Thanks for taking an interest. I hope you’ll visit more often because that will definitely give me more motivation to keep up with this streak.

I’ll leave you guys at this note for now.

Here’s to us.

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