Last year, at the tender age of 15, I gave up on the notion of love.

When you live according to a certain rule book, it was extremely challenging to make the most of your life despite certain boundaries that keep you from straying too far. Love is one of the things that I let those boundaries control over, to the point where I let the whole destiny and notion go to the One who has power over it.

It was a cowardice move of mine, I suppose, to let such thing go. But the situation around me was too hopeless for me to do anything about, and so I let things happen the way it should, doing nothing but lean back as I see life unfolds the way it was destined to. Love stayed away from me for a while, and I enjoyed seeing them blossom left and right where I wasn’t concerned.

Until I was reminded of a love that could have happened.

It was a continuous event, one that I was confused with for quite a while. I mean, how do are you supposed to act when a long lost first love of yours show up after six years? Building up to the main event, I was speaking to this man, the first heartbreak and love of mine, who I could not, for one second, forget.

When he suddenly disappeared, I was more relieved than upset. It was a suffocating one week of my life, with me questioning every bit of what went wrong in our non-existent relationship, and I didn’t need that many stress prior to the week that was to come at the time.

When said week came, the next love hit me like a train wreck. It was a story of what could have been, a journey that didn’t happen, and two feelings that grew but kept away for the better of everyone’s sake. When the love revealed itself, I was a sobbing mess, aching for all the things that I could have had but slipped away from my fingers. Every bit of the situation was so heart-wrenching that I still get nausea thinking about it to this day.

At the time, I asked myself, who deserve this? 

Who deserve being presented with love right under their nose when said love got taken away so quickly from them right after? Who deserve the kind of regret that people feel when they wish they could turn back time, return, and redo everything for the better?

The love that presented itself right under my nose made me stop in my track. Before the whole thing happened, I gave up on being in love. Now that small truths are revealed, would I change my course and take control of my own fate? Is that really the wise thing to do? Question after question came, would I wait for said love? Would I still let the One choose my path for me?

Even before this whole thing, I already knew what I wanted.

I want to wait, I want to see where this love can go, at least until I understand what is being put at stake.

—at least until I understand what is being put at stake.