Ranjeni on Rape

It’s Time the Victim Say Something

Everyone, in their life, must have at least once experienced a downfall. Not just a typical downfall, really, it was to the point where everything in the world means nothing compared to the ache that consumes your heart, your life, and envelops you in a total darkness.

Some people get through it, which is why the world looks like a bearable place to live in. But some people, they’re not so lucky as to the point where they had to focus that pain elsewhere to get on with life, like an addiction, or cutting, anything to kiss the pain goodbye.

When I said everyone must have had it in some points of their life, I really did mean everyone, and today, I got reminded of mine when I was watching Switched at Birth online.

I don’t know how much I’m allowed to write about it, especially since this is not an anonymous blog, but I really do want to let it out, just like how I deal with everything else in life. So, here it goes.

I was a victim of something that happened four to five years ago. Does that makes me still one? I don’t know. The experience was right down traumatic, heart-breaking, and it will always leave a scar that will only heal with time. When it happened at first, I couldn’t talk about it to anybody. I was afraid of what people would say, afraid of being accused a liar, especially since I was just in the verge of teenage hood back then, and so I kept it all in and let life be.

While this all happened, I took my choice of addiction. I had to find a way to cope with the pain, and I found the tamest thing in the world. While some people took up cutting, smoking cigars, or other extreme addiction, I took up writing. Writing helped me with expressing the feelings that I was too afraid to say, and when I write things down, it was like as if the pain stays with the words that got posted online.

Things got worse eventually, to the point where I was considering running out, hide in a cousin’s house, whatever it took to not stay at home, until one day I decided things needed to stop, that I had enough, and I needed to talk about it before it got too far. I remember writing about it in my computer for my mother to read because I couldn’t let the words out. I remember feeling so nervous as I waited for her to read it outside my room.

It was the most life-changing night in my life, and here I am today.

If I wanted to stay that gloomy, dark-lover Queen my entire life, I could have, but I didn’t want to do it. I didn’t want to use my victim card forever and allow people to pity me for it. Sometimes, no matter how old you are, you are going to have to stand up and take responsibility for yourself, and that’s exactly what I did. I don’t pretend it never happened, I don’t pretend I’m not a piece of broken glass glued back into one, but I am here, and I’m still standing. What happened to me will always remain a history, and just like the rear-view mirror, I’m going to have to take a glance every once in a while to make sure the road is as safe as it can get.

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Things do get better, and I was lucky to have the courtesy of talking about it. Not everyone in this world has the same opportunity of talking to a relative, and I was fortunate enough to have such understanding figures in my life, which is why at times it hurts to see other victims who are still struggling. Sometimes they make me wonder, why didn’t they speak up? Why didn’t they treat themselves to get better? What’s holding them back from a better life ahead?

Today, the internet provides us with many options that could help. Me too, at one point, wrote a letter in a forum about my case, and there are people out there who are really supportive and could offer some advise. No one deserves to go through this alone, and if anything, I don’t think anybody should ever feel like being in pain is okay. Addiction is never the answer, and as hard as it is to tell the truth, we should be able to fight our own demon if we want to have peace in life.

Remember, it’s always darkest before the dawn, but when the sun rises up, it will all be worth it.

To all victims, survivors, and everyone in between, here’s to us.

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2 Comments

  1. Mon

    Hey you’ve been posting more regularly :)

    I was planning on writing something like this too. I recently almost did something absolutely self-destructive but stopped. It’s helpful to know about such awareness, it makes you feel less alone.

    Love, Mon.

    • Zhafira

      Thank you, it really did took me five years to be okay with it, and now I feel a lot lighter talking about it. I would love to read your version of the post, actually. Thanks for dropping by!

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