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Hypocrisy At Its Finest

Who knew how much you can change in a year?

It’s funny, really, to the point where I miss the little, innocent, and weak girl that I was a year ago. These past few days, all I’ve been doing at school is fighting for something that made me who I was today. Something huge, dangerous, and even risque, but worth it. But you see, let me tell you a dirty little secret.

That little something is inhuman and idiotic. It’s a game where an ex-victim becomes a bully for a day under a scenario constructed so sweet. Now as the general idiotic high school student who’s so full of themselves, you gotta want this to happen to your juniors, especially when you’ve experienced it first hand. It’s a way of revenge, the only time you get to harm the juniors under the name of formal education.

It’s sick, wrong, and guess what? It’s fun.

So we made sure that whatever we do, we need to make this happen, for the sake of everybody. No matter the warnings, the risks, the protest, there must be solutions to every problem, and that’s exactly what we fought for. Some of us understood why it was banned. Some of us understood the shallowness behind it, and yet why do we still fight for it?

It depends on how you wish to take a look at it. Some might say perspective changes, and some might also say the indoctrination was a great success. If you ask me, I’d say my perspective’s changed, and I know more, but let’s face it, we all know it doesn’t have anything to do with that.

We’ve been told by many authorities how this was a dangerous thing, how it’s a bad culture that doesn’t need to be continued. What is it for? What good comes from it? What’s the benefit?

Nothing.

If anything, its sole purpose is to fulfill our satisfaction.  But everyone wanted it to happen, and so we fought tooth and nails and made sure every words that comes out of our mouths are practiced and laced with sugar coat. What we speak needs to be covered with masquerades of pretty colors. It’s not what’s right, but it’s what they wanted to hear, and so that’s what we did.

Until we were sat down one day. It was a lecture on how the game was harmful for student’s psychology. The teacher said that it was useless, what’s the point? What’s the education from this? What can you learn? How can this make students turn into a leader? The more you pressure someone, the more you push them into their shell, and that is not how a leader is born. That is not how you can get a batch to be united, solid. In this case, solidarity becomes a place to hide for those who’re wrong.

“It’s a pity you didn’t join our discussion yesterday,” said the authority to me that day. “because some points we discussed was from your blog.”

My stomach dropped, and I felt my chest tighten as guilt slowly crept over.

“To this day, I think your best post is the one entitled Solitude…”

“–Over solidarity,” I said tightly as I tried to keep my shit cool. I remember what it was about, and I was reminded of how different my thoughts were a year ago when I was still in my dirty, ruined, victim shoe.

You see, I became the biggest hypocrite since then. I cried for two bullies in the name of solidarity when they were kicked out of school instead of supporting the victim, and I laughed at a girl just to be united with everybody when I could have been there to help her through her problems. I label people as freak because I didn’t want to be different, and hey, I just posted few something words just to hurt people who ruined the day that was supposed to be glorifying for my second family.

I’ve changed in the name of solidarity, and that is exactly what I feared a year ago. Look where I am now. In the name of solidarity, I’m righting the wrongs that I loathed a year ago, and I’m supporting the things that made me cry 364 days ago.

It scares me to find out how much a person can change in a year.

It scares me especially, when I don’t know how far I’ll go from now on forward.

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2 Comments

  1. Ami

    First of all, really, I appreciate your honesty. Albeit too detailed for my liking, nonetheless, it is a well written thought.

    But hey, let’s see where it has brought you to. Aren’t you glad that you wrote all those things last year? Does the satisfaction of ranting back then pay off your extra struggle as the ‘ex-victim’ now? Or … do you perhaps wish you had kept it subtle back then?

    Well, whatever your answer is, let’s hope that the lesson has been learned, yeah? The matter of perspective, thinking before doing, change of heart,–all those shit. Know the whole thing first, only after then you’re justified to do whatever you want.

    Sorry to sound lecturing. I didn’t mean it (or did I?). I am saying all of this just as someone who also had been in the same shoes (except that I didn’t rant to the whole world wide web for everyone to see).

    (No, I’m not against the idea of blogging. I’m cool with that.)

    Wishing you good luck and success on the rest of your journey :)

    • Zhafira

      Thank you for taking your time to read it. No, I don’t regret writing that post, writing about it was a great way to let things out for me last year, though I really do wish I hadn’t changed so much in the span of just a year. To me, having my perspective changed are the saddest part in going through all these process. Thank you for the comment, it didn’t sound lecturing at all, good luck to you as well!

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