Between Me and Allah

وَمِنَ ٱلنَّاسِ مَن يَتَّخِذُ مِن دُونِ ٱللَّهِ أَندَادً۬ا يُحِبُّونَہُمۡ كَحُبِّ ٱللَّهِ‌ۖ وَٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُوٓاْ أَشَدُّ حُبًّ۬ا لِّلَّهِ‌ۗ وَلَوۡ يَرَى ٱلَّذِينَ ظَلَمُوٓاْ إِذۡ يَرَوۡنَ ٱلۡعَذَابَ أَنَّ ٱلۡقُوَّةَ لِلَّهِ جَمِيعً۬ا وَأَنَّ ٱللَّهَ شَدِيدُ ٱلۡعَذَابِ

“And yet there are some people, who replace Allah with rivals, loving them as Allah is loved. But the believers love Allah more intensely” (Surah Al-Baqarah 2:165) 

I ended a relationship in my past because I loved Allah more.

I told the ex exactly that, I told him I loved him enough that I didn’t want to be blamed for the sin he’ll get if he stayed with me.

After that, I swore to myself that he would be the last.

So I rejected every courtship, and I hear them whisper. I’m too serious, they say. No fun, too education-oriented, too much of a freak, you name it. I shrugged it off, I love Allah more, and He mattered more to me.

Except it got a bit harder, I wanted the whisperings to stop, I wanted to not be the freak, and I should have known better than to go behind Allah’s back and start a relationship.

It was never official, but it’d be a lie if I said it wasn’t real at some point. I never once told him that the reason why I couldn’t make it official was because I didn’t want to anger Allah.

He wouldn’t understand. None of my friends understood it.

Until at one point I couldn’t live up to that sin anymore, and I ended another one, for Allah’s sake. I told him exactly why, I didn’t expect him to understand. I didn’t expect anybody in my school to understand, and that’s okay.

It’s between me and Allah, and I believed if I loved anybody, I wouldn’t want Hell for them, so I took the hard route and asked for forgiveness. I begged for His love even after what I did, and I cried because I couldn’t bear with the thought of Him leaving me completely alone.

He wouldn’t. He’s the great, the merciful.

Allah understands, and that’s okay if my friends don’t.

It’s between me and Him, and I love Him more.

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